Nicole introduced me to the Needs Languages. I work a lot with numbers.
& found it interesting. I started putting a spreadsheet together of the
people I knew to see how I connected with them & how to communicate
with them better. It is helpful for me.
A review of The Needs Languages: Bringing Balance & Belonging in Dating
(Value and Importance) has been groundbreaking for me and has given me a greater sense of self. I have personally found it to be more effective at altering my behavior in relationships than the 5 Love Languages or Myers Briggs tests, although these models can certainly all be honored in congruence.
The Needs Languages have helped me realize the reasons I have acted certain ways in past relationships and identify why some partners have not been a good match for me in the long run. It has also taught me to accept people for who they are and learn how to interact with them from an understanding of their basic needs. It allows me to show forgiveness for family members whom I often find it difficult to interact with. For example, one person who is close with me has the opposite Needs Languages from me, Right and Control. Since neither of these things are my dominant needs, like they are to her, I am able to let go and let her be right or have control in order to avoid unnecessary arguments.
I recommend this book for anyone who wants to practice becoming a more balanced and understanding person each day. I also recommend buying a copy for your partner(s), family members, coworkers, and friends! It is helpful to hear from your circle what two Needs Languages they identify with so you can each interact with greater acceptance and competence than ever before.
Reviewed in the United States on November 18, 2021
This is a review of Nicole Shir’s book The Needs Languages: Bring Balance & Belonging in Parenting. I found the needs language quite hard to grasp, at first. It felt like learning Japanese and you only get a grasp of how to say “hello” and ice cream flavours; but after a while, I began to see by making comparisons with say famous people, for example, groups, pop groups like The Beatles, U2, Coldplay, where there are four characters who are most likely right/important/value/ control, I could begin to form an understanding and then begin to apply this understanding to people I actually know.
The way that it’s helped me is particularly in my relationship with my 12 year old son because I am most likely control/value and he is most likely control/right.There have been a few clashes, lots of banter and sometimes I’ve had to mediate between him and his mother.But I’ve learnt through the teaching that I can, if I speak the language of belief and show him that he is right, then give him time to process, we seem to be getting somewhere.
For example, I’m saying to a right person who’s all about beliefs. If I value their belief, and I say yes, I see that you’re saying ‘ABC’. Then that means I can meet them in the middle of a common need language.Then we can potentially start to see each others needs.
I can think of a few very simple everyday examples, (but the principle expands into our relationship).My son said he thinks that his choice of smartphone is best because the advertising has him convinced of it’s coolness.His understanding is that its cost is an indication of its value.As his opposite, I value my smartphone by what it can do for me personally. I am not concerned about how ‘cool’ it is rated.
The way that we could at least meet in the middle is that we can agree that we both need a phone to communicate with each other.
For a second example, the subject of drinking Coke.My advice, as his father, is” this is not good for your teeth”. He tends to ignore this advice based on what he observes his peers doing.The way we meet could be,”So will you at least brush your teeth afterwards?”To this, he says “Yes”. So learning the needs language slowly has been invaluable in my relationship, my son in this critical time of his life where he’s turning from boy into young man, letting him go letting him be right valuing his rightness in his belief system.
I am so grateful and appreciative to Nicole for writing this book.I can envision it impacting all fields of communication, in education, business, the workplace, and of course, in the family setting.
Patrick Howarth UK